Roses and Thorns: Why Healthy Relationships Need Both Desire and Boundaries
Many people come to me not because their relationship does not work but because something feels missing.
The relationship does not feel fully alive.
Or intimacy is present, but one or both partners feel overwhelmed, stretched, or unseen.
When I speak about relationships I often use the metaphor of the roses and thorns —
desire and boundaries —
two forces that are frequently misunderstood as opposites, while in reality they are partners.
Desire is the movement toward.
Boundaries are the structure that makes that movement safe.
Without desire, relationships become functional but flat.
Without boundaries, relationships become intense but unstable.
The art is not choosing one over the other.
The art is learning how they inform each other.
Desire: The Energy That Draws Us Closer
Desire is not only sexual.
It is intellectual curiosity, emotional openness, the wish to be known, the pleasure of shared attention.
It is the part of us that says: I want to meet you again, even if I already know you.
Desire fades not because love disappears, but because attention, novelty, and presence slowly erode under routine, stress, and unspoken expectations.
Desire is less a feeling and more a capacity we maintain — through presence, play, appreciation, and vulnerability.
When couples tell me “the spark is gone,” what they often mean is:
“We stopped creating spaces where aliveness could enter.”
Boundaries: The Structure That Protects Aliveness
Boundaries are frequently associated with distance or rejection.
In reality, healthy boundaries are an act of intimacy.
They clarify:
what is mine and what is not mine
where I end and you begin
what I can offer without resentment
Without boundaries, desire suffocates.
When everything is merged, nothing is chosen.
A boundary is not a wall.
It is a door with a handle.
When partners can say “no” without fear, their “yes” regains meaning.
Respect becomes erotic.
Safety becomes attractive.
Where Relationships Struggle
Most relational tension arises not from lack of love, but from unconscious design.
One partner reaches for closeness when the other needs space.
One protects independence while the other seeks reassurance.
Desire is interpreted as pressure.
Boundaries are interpreted as rejection.
These are not character flaws.
They are design misalignments.
When couples learn to name their needs, rhythms, and relational styles, conflict becomes information rather than threat.
The relationship shifts from reactive to intentional.
Relationship Design: Acknowledging that Roses come with Thorns
Healthy relationships are not maintained by luck or chemistry alone.
They are designed — consciously or unconsciously.
Relationship Design is the practice of making this process visible.
It invites questions such as:
What nourishes our desire?
What restores our individuality?
What agreements protect our energy?
What rituals bring us back to connection?
Instead of fixing problems, we begin shaping the container that holds the relationship.
Desire becomes the rose.
Boundaries become the thorn.
They need each other
A Living System, Not a Static Agreement
Relationships evolve because people evolve.
What worked three years ago may now feel restrictive or insufficient.
This is not failure — it is information.
Regular relational check-ins, shared reflection, and individual self-awareness allow couples to adapt without drama.
We are not meant to “set and forget” a relationship.
We are meant to tend it.
The Invitation
When people work with me, we rarely start with “What is wrong?”
We begin with:
What are you trying to create together?
A relationship that holds both pleasure and protection.
Closeness and individuality.
Roses and thorns.
Not perfection —
but a relationship that is consciously designed,
able to breathe, evolve, and remain alive.